My Journey to Self Love through Anxiety
By Kirsty Head
Although it now feels like a distant memory, looking back I cringe at the memory of anxiety. I don’t believe it ever fully goes away but you learn to deal with it differently.
Here’s my journey to self love through anxiety.
I was off my soul path for many years. During my late teens and 20’s, life was a rollercoaster of drinking, partying and one-night stands. To the outside world I was ‘a young woman having fun’, but inside I was desperately seeking approval from others, unhappy and completely lost.
My party girl ways were just a cover up for what was happening underneath – a soul broken girl, seeking purpose and love. Any male attention I received I thought it was the real deal. I would obsess and latch onto them. I had no respect for myself and sadly this continued for many years.
At 27, after the end of a long-term relationship, in the pursuit of discovering myself and the big wide world, I jetted off on a solo Contiki trip. That trip showed me that I did have confidence within me, it was buried deep, but it was there!
As I returned to real life though, I felt myself falling back into my old ways. The years blurred by and as I was fast approaching 30, I realised I was hiding. The pressure of society and life was affecting me deeply. I wasn’t ready for kids and wanted more freedom and personal fulfillment than a 9 – 5 job could give me. I felt constricted by what society thought I SHOULD be doing…but inside, I knew there was another way for me.
I was feeling bored and miserable in my job and I had constant daily anxiety. I was working in an office full of women - and you know what they can be like.
The mornings before work were awful. I’d feel sick and I wouldn’t want to go. When I got to work it just got worse. I wasn’t myself – which no one even seemed to notice. It felt like the women around me were talking about me. Constantly gossiping. Constant chit chat. This went on for months and months.
People told me I was being paranoid which only made matters worse. I knew what I was feeling.
It got so bad that I asked to be moved away from the chit chat to counteract the anxiety. However, not long after this I was told that I’d be moved back soon. This threw me, and I got very upset and asked my sister who I worked with at the time to come out at lunch with me. As soon as I got in her car I burst into tears telling her the story. She said to me, you can’t work somewhere that makes you this upset.
So what was a girl to do?
That afternoon I spoke to my partner and we decided together that it was better for my own health and wellbeing if I quit. The anxiety effected every part of me and my life – my relationships, my general persona, my work. Something had to change, or I don’t know what would have happened. I decided to go to the Doctor to organise a mental health plan with a Psychologist. I was told that I had anxiety and made an appointment to speak to someone straight away. I quit my job without another one to go to, had a couple of months off while looking for another joband got super curious with my heart!
I really questioned ‘Is this it?’, ‘What lights me up?’, ’What’s next?’
It was through a journey of self discovery and working with my friend and mentor that I came across the Beautiful You Coaching Academy, and I instantly felt something ‘click’ inside me – like I was coming into alignment.
I was lucky enough to find a casual job in a workplace that was super understanding of my study and where I wanted my life to go.
However, at the age of 31 I found myself after yet another blurred alcohol-fuelled night, with head pounding, lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. It was in that moment of living the party girl life for many years that I gave myself permission to finally change.
I’d had enough!
And I knew the only person in my life who could help me stop self-sabotaging and start living the life I dreamt of, was me. I decided enough was enough and it was time to stop drinking to numb my feelings and start respecting myself and my body.
My breakdown was simply a sign that my soul needed to break through. And I’m forever grateful for it. Without it and absolutely everything that I’ve been through in my life I wouldn’t be the person I am today - they have made me stronger.
What I’ve learnt in my journey so far, is that women are powerful beings and WE get to create our own rules. After seriously detoxing my life in my relationships, mindset and with vices like alcohol, I now find myself with a loving partner, soul sisters and great health.
I really do believe putting yourself first and following your purpose isn’t selfish – it’s self love.
This journey to self love has lead me to start my Life Coaching business and join the Gratitude Gang – an amazing supportive community of like-minded people all on the same mission. To empower others to take charge of their health and their life.
Surrounding myself with like-minded souls, exploring wellness and self love, and genuinely feeling connected to a purpose, changed everything for me.
So, what does life look like for me today?
It’s a magical, soul-fuelled journey of connection, self love and empowerment.
You’ll find me:
Planning a wedding to the love of my life!
Supporting women to follow their purpose and find their inner confidence in my biz full time.
Knowing who I am and owning that. Those days of seeking approval or validation from others are over.
Feeling all of my feelings instead of numbing them by drinking them away. I actually enjoy alcohol now and don’t drink it in excess. I feel more confident in social outings without it. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t – I tune in, if I don’t want to go, if I feel anxious in any way, I don’t go. I’m quite happy just staying home now.
I truly believe I didn’t get to where I am today alone, but I also know that if I never gave myself permission to change, I would still be stuck and lost.
It’s amazing what can happen when you stop to put yourself first, love yourself and also find that thing that you are really truly passionate about - everything changes. True love and real connections come into your life, amazing opportunities come your way.
This journey of finding myself hasn’t always been easy. Just like life, it’s had its ups and downs. As we change and grow sometimes friendships fade away, people don’t always understand what you are doing, fear pops up and you get in your own way. But the important thing is that you keep going!
I have so much gratitude for this life and my journey. I can now honestly say that I love myself and I promise to continue on this self love journey for the rest of my life.
I believe anxiety can be a good thing. It can be the signpost that makes you realise you are in the wrong place and it’s finally time to make a big change. Kind of like my life motto – everything happens for a reason.
BY KIRSTY HEAD
Kirsty Head is a life and wellness coach and speaker. She stands for the generation of rising women choosing to design their wildest life and play by their own rules.
Kirsty blends her expertise in life coaching, with layers of self care and empowerment, to help modern women break free and shine.